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May. 17th, 2005 03:30 pm wow, that sucked

oh well, i got really stupid, with liz that is......and i think that did more bad than good.....oi my love life has been weird

kim is kinda a bitch.......i learned that she's been fucking someone sinse summer..while we were together....WHAT A BITCH!!!oh well, fuck that, then

becki, i am SO sorry, you have no idea....i havent heard from you in a long time, im wondering how you are! please dont ignore me or be mad at me, you have no idea how bad i feel. the whole thing with liz, that was just a stupid infatuation, i realize that now...there was no chance, and i poured too much feeling into it, and i realize in doing so i abandoned all that was important, one of those things being you, and for that im so so so so so so so sorry!

please forgive me hun.....

i realize that love is more than just sexual too! its the ability to live in a relationship, to be a lover, but at the same time, a best friend, but at the same time, a brother or sister.....

i suddenly realize that i feel this way towards becki....she is one of my best friends, next to monty (and he's OUT OF THE QUESTION LOL), but i also keep hoping that we will get together at least sometime in the future.....but at the same time, i see her as a sister, i feel so close. i dont mean that in a weird way, just factual.

i think i really do love her.................

................i cant believe i mean that, too!

becki, look up the song Vivo Per Lei, by Andrea Bocelli.........in english, of course!

love ya hun!

(i mean it too! wow!)

Current Mood: enlightened
Current Music: Vivo Per Lei

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Apr. 12th, 2005 11:38 am AARRGGHH!!!!!!!!!!

so many questions that need answering, that need pondering. so many questions that i dont have the answers to, and i fear i will NEVER get these answers, at least not the ones that i seek.

but one question stands above all of the others:

will there ever be..............us?

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Black Label Society - I Never Dreamed

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Apr. 11th, 2005 06:36 pm wow!

i never thought in all my days preparing for my trip on sojourn to the past that i would face girl troubles. when i was in the south, it was the last thing on my mind...except until saturday, of course.

whenever i close my eyes, i see her face. it's absolute torture. i cant get her out of my head. i try to write a song about her, but all that comes up is some shitty pop-sounding song. i dont know if anything will come of this, but i hope so. i know i said this about other girls, but somehow, this is different. theres a different feeling that i get when i am with her, and away from her. it's so much stronger than with katie, becki (dont take it too hard hun, i do still love you and you are beautiful, dont EVER forget it!), michele, or anyone else that i have said it about.

the 16th St. Baptist Church was the first place that i have ever seriously prayed...and meant it. i prayed for my first time, prayed that i wouldnt lose her. but not only that, i prayed that i could HAVE her, to hold her, to be with her. the trip only strengthened that feeling, with her being there for me when i needed her, and especially vise versa. when she opened up and relaxed in my arms, letting all of her pain out and letting me take it away, i felt for the first time in a long while, a slight sense of peace. this kind of peace i never felt before with another girl. not with kim, not katie, nor any other past girls have i ever felt such serenity. it is the same serenity that i feel when i drink (not alcohol, if you know me you know EXACTLY what i mean). its the same feeling, except without the frenzy of the blood-lust, or the burning fire in your veins. it's not the violent ecxtacy, but the silent lucidity, the feeling that time stops, and you dont want it to start ever again.

it's a wonderful feeling, but at the same time, absolutely maddening. i have placed countless emotions and feelings into this person, into this slightly hopeful relationship, and i still dont know if anything will come of it. but i will pray until i get a definate finality in this constant struggle. this will be writtain proof that i prayed and tried my hardest to get this to work:

Lord, i pray to you, not just in the churches, but now in writing...so it's kinda immortalized. i have this time truly met your angel, and i have been changed. her existance merely proves that you exist, because such perfection is not possibly man-made. i have met your angel, i have held your angel, i have taken the pain of your angel and extinguished the fire of sorrow and grief. as i told you in the 16th st baptist church, i do not want to lose her. i would give up anything and everything to be with her. i would sacrifice everything to have just her. on the soul of my grandmother, i pray to you now, let me have this chance to be happy again, and i will not let you down. your angel will be happy. i would never dream of hurting your angel, you can hold me to that promise.

when the group was giving testimonial, the giveback on saturday, i saw your angel in pain, i saw her cry, i saw her hurt. this pained me as well, it pained me that i could not comfort her, could not take that pain away again, not from a whole room away. yes, i cried for nonnie, i cried for grampa, i even cried for the four little girls and vernon dahmer and dr. king, but mostly i cried because it hut not to comfort her. it hurt like nothing else has ever hurt before. i am almost ashamed to say that, at the time, it hurt more then when nonnie passed away, because.....i dont know why. it just did. it was torture to not be there in that crucial moment of her pain. i just want to be there for her when she is in that kind of pain, i want to be the one that she runs to when she has a problem, when she needs to cry. i want to be the one that she holds close, and i want to hold her close. i know it's selfish, but i can finally say, this time without question, that i only want her, and nothing else. i know that i will never forget her, no matter what happens. Please, God, all i ask for, or will EVER ask for, is Liz.

there it is. there is MY testimonial. im not going to say that i love her, just because it will hurt far to much if i blow it, but i will admit that i am enamoured, and that the feeling that i get, both with and without her, is the best and worst feeling that i have ever experienced. i see her face when i close my eyes, i hear her laugh when all is silent, i think of her when i am with her, and i dont stop missing her when she is away. i am complete, in a sense, when i am with her, and empty when we are separated. who knew that i could feel so strongly in only ten days, eh?

Please Lord, let me have her, if only for a little while. give me this one first, last, and only request. your angel will be in good hands, i promise.

Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: 12 Stones- The Way That I Feel

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Mar. 30th, 2005 09:14 am well shit!

well, im grounded from computer, sounds like for good, too!

basically i, like everyone else, have some major issues, along with minor ones! mostly life issues. unfortunately, my parents cant seem to accept this. i basically need time to "reassess my life and figure out where im headed and what my goals are and try to be a responsible adult ready for the world."

personally i feel that this will happen on its own time. i am making a conceted effort to change, but ultimately, it will depend on how long it takes me to (fully) mature. id personally say im pretty close, because although im very lazy and naturally gokuish (the only way i can describe it) in my reactions to many things (you know, the kinda anime way to laugh things off, which really annoys mason lol), i actually do have a serious side, and i personally believe im quite mature for my age, seeing all ive been through in life. ive had 25 yeah olds saying im better to talk to than most of their peers, so i have confidence in that area.

now, it sounds like my parents are grounding me for, well, being ME!

i dont know, i just feel computer loss and the removal of my bedroom door (which i doubt will happen, but still, it was mentioned) is a LITTLE over the top!

especially if theyre trying to make me "a better person." i still need SOME privacy!

am i really THAT BAD of a person!?!?!?

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Mar. 18th, 2005 12:40 am Finished Paper

HOLY CHRIST!!!!!! 12:41 in the morning and i just finished my history term paper...unfortunately i resorted to slight plagerism.....hope i dont get caught, or itll be a fat F and all this work will be for nothing (yes, it takes a lot of work to steal)

but then again:

Steal from one, its called plagerism, steal from many, and its called research!

i stole from MANY! so its research! HA!!! CANT TOUCH ME NOW BITCH!!!

well, first ever post, and isnt it a happy one! lol time to sleep!

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Beloved BLS!!! Zakk Wylde Kicks ASS!!!

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