|Apr. 11th, 2005 06:36 pm wow!|
i never thought in all my days preparing for my trip on sojourn to the past that i would face girl troubles. when i was in the south, it was the last thing on my mind...except until saturday, of course.
whenever i close my eyes, i see her face. it's absolute torture. i cant get her out of my head. i try to write a song about her, but all that comes up is some shitty pop-sounding song. i dont know if anything will come of this, but i hope so. i know i said this about other girls, but somehow, this is different. theres a different feeling that i get when i am with her, and away from her. it's so much stronger than with katie, becki (dont take it too hard hun, i do still love you and you are beautiful, dont EVER forget it!), michele, or anyone else that i have said it about.
the 16th St. Baptist Church was the first place that i have ever seriously prayed...and meant it. i prayed for my first time, prayed that i wouldnt lose her. but not only that, i prayed that i could HAVE her, to hold her, to be with her. the trip only strengthened that feeling, with her being there for me when i needed her, and especially vise versa. when she opened up and relaxed in my arms, letting all of her pain out and letting me take it away, i felt for the first time in a long while, a slight sense of peace. this kind of peace i never felt before with another girl. not with kim, not katie, nor any other past girls have i ever felt such serenity. it is the same serenity that i feel when i drink (not alcohol, if you know me you know EXACTLY what i mean). its the same feeling, except without the frenzy of the blood-lust, or the burning fire in your veins. it's not the violent ecxtacy, but the silent lucidity, the feeling that time stops, and you dont want it to start ever again.
it's a wonderful feeling, but at the same time, absolutely maddening. i have placed countless emotions and feelings into this person, into this slightly hopeful relationship, and i still dont know if anything will come of it. but i will pray until i get a definate finality in this constant struggle. this will be writtain proof that i prayed and tried my hardest to get this to work:
Lord, i pray to you, not just in the churches, but now in writing...so it's kinda immortalized. i have this time truly met your angel, and i have been changed. her existance merely proves that you exist, because such perfection is not possibly man-made. i have met your angel, i have held your angel, i have taken the pain of your angel and extinguished the fire of sorrow and grief. as i told you in the 16th st baptist church, i do not want to lose her. i would give up anything and everything to be with her. i would sacrifice everything to have just her. on the soul of my grandmother, i pray to you now, let me have this chance to be happy again, and i will not let you down. your angel will be happy. i would never dream of hurting your angel, you can hold me to that promise.
when the group was giving testimonial, the giveback on saturday, i saw your angel in pain, i saw her cry, i saw her hurt. this pained me as well, it pained me that i could not comfort her, could not take that pain away again, not from a whole room away. yes, i cried for nonnie, i cried for grampa, i even cried for the four little girls and vernon dahmer and dr. king, but mostly i cried because it hut not to comfort her. it hurt like nothing else has ever hurt before. i am almost ashamed to say that, at the time, it hurt more then when nonnie passed away, because.....i dont know why. it just did. it was torture to not be there in that crucial moment of her pain. i just want to be there for her when she is in that kind of pain, i want to be the one that she runs to when she has a problem, when she needs to cry. i want to be the one that she holds close, and i want to hold her close. i know it's selfish, but i can finally say, this time without question, that i only want her, and nothing else. i know that i will never forget her, no matter what happens. Please, God, all i ask for, or will EVER ask for, is Liz.
there it is. there is MY testimonial. im not going to say that i love her, just because it will hurt far to much if i blow it, but i will admit that i am enamoured, and that the feeling that i get, both with and without her, is the best and worst feeling that i have ever experienced. i see her face when i close my eyes, i hear her laugh when all is silent, i think of her when i am with her, and i dont stop missing her when she is away. i am complete, in a sense, when i am with her, and empty when we are separated. who knew that i could feel so strongly in only ten days, eh?
Please Lord, let me have her, if only for a little while. give me this one first, last, and only request. your angel will be in good hands, i promise.
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